I have been quiet for a while…
It’s not that I didn’t have anything to write about or that I didn’t have time to write. All of a sudden I fell into this cycle of self-doubt – thinking that whatever I am writing about is irrelevant, has already been written, and/or might sound judgmental and hurt someone.
Well, I’ve heard many many times that road to hell is paved with good intentions, and that there is road to hell, but a stairway to heaven, and judging by my current fitness level, I wouldn’t get very far (either way), but I digress.
“But that’s you – chaotic, messy, tangled – jumping from one topic to another, skipping conversations. One moment you have no idea what to do, and another you have everything figured out,” a friend of mine once told me.
So why am I forcing myself to be something I am obviously not?
I started writing for myself. This blog is an exercise of courage, of getting out of my own head, of tapping (ever so slightly) out of the box, of reaching for the microphone, and of standing ground and being true to myself – my slightly chaotic, messy, tangled self – the self that does not fit a profile; the self whose search engine algorithm is utterly baffled trying to find connection between questions like PhD, worth it? and How much can you make stocking shelves at a supermarket? or When is the best time to visit Vanuatu?
Another reason why I was reluctant to publish was because I felt I didn’t have a consistent topic. I opened this blog as my writing playground. The idea was to write, publish and hopefully get some constructive feedback. All of a sudden I started creating this audience in my mind, the audience I am supposed to be speaking to… but the truth is, my audience mainly consists of friends and family, so, while I figure who I am writing to, I might as well write for myself (and my friends).
Lastly, when I started writing publicly, I became more aware of the fact that what I write is read by people I know and people who know me and that my words might hurt someone’s feelings.
And then I stopped posting.
I wrote thousands and thousands of words for myself, but I robbed myself of the freedom to voice them, to speak loudly and proudly.
I don’t want to write under a pseudonym because I need to feel free to speak my mind and hear my voice. Regardless of who listens (or reads), I need to feel free.
So there, that’s me, and as such, I am allowing myself to speak, loud and (un)clear.